TWO Posts in 24 Hours?

That's probably a thought that went through your mind in the last couple of seconds. Sorry to disappoint you, but this is only to report the results of the last poll and set up a new one.


Which Class Update (So Far) Do You Desire the Most?

Sniper/Spy: 69 votes (50%)
Pyro: 22 votes (16%)
Medic: 16 votes (11%)
Scout: 15 votes (11%)
Heavy: 14 votes (10%)


The Sniper/Spy Update pulled away with a massive victory (half the vote!), with the final three positions being a tight joust. Overall, about as exciting as poll can be.

Screw Your Weapons To The Sticking Place!

Over the past two years, Valve has been dedicating all of its abilities to slowly (but surely) destroying the Team Fortress 2 we console gamers know and love.

Too drastic, you ask? Definetly. There is not a large possibility that this was Valve's intent, but it has happened nonetheless. I mean, have you seen the WAR! Update?

The promotion was the regular Valve fanfare, known to most of you as "better every single damn time." Really? A comic? SWEET! A battle between Demomen and Soldiers? EVEN COOLER! A series of convincing newspaper covers! OMG, WOW! Truly, no one else gets you excited for something as well as Valve does.

To give you a rough idea of how good Valve is at being awesome, the badass picture above was made by a fan. And it only got third place in the poster contest. Which had over 11,00 entries.

Woah, wait, over 11,000 entries? Yes, that's right. 11,000 entries in a period of FIVE DAYS. This is unlike anything that has ever happened in the history of gaming, which is actually a regular thing for Valve to accomplish.

And then you look at the new weapons and wonder what the hell went wrong...

I don't even know where to start, so I'll just rant. The Direct Hit is basically a shotgun at close range and bullshit at long range. The only redeemable quality it has is mini-critting on air shots, which also makes it grossly overpowered in the hands of a skilled Soldier.

Then there's the Scottish Resistance that was clearly designed to be a clumsier, less useful version of a regular Sticky Launcher. I really can't think of any other design qualities Valve was going for here besides that. I will literally award a prize to someone who can think of a reason to use it instead of the Sticky Launcher.

Next up is a Buff Banner (with Bugle) that takes any Soldier and makes him look like a harmless Abercrombie model about to come out of the closet.

You thought I was joking until you saw that, didn't you? What if I told you it turns the Soldier into a walking version of everyone's favorite jar of urine? Yeah, I didn't think you'd be excited either, but I am trying my best to justify its exsistence.

I'd like to tell you that things get better from here, but the worst is yet to come.

Remember that time when the Heavy was fun to play? No, don't give up! Think way back to when you first started playing Team Fortress 2. Ah, the smile on your face tells me that you've made it there. Difficult, wasn't it?

The problem with the Heavy isn't that he isn't useful or that he is overpowered; these couldn't be further from the truth. I have less than five hours of Heavy playtime, but I'd calculate my Kill to Death Ratio as Heavy at around 7:1. He also holds my record for most kills in one life, at a solid 22 bodybags. So, in the right hands (preferably a Medic's) he is a killing machine. Too bad he is about as fun to play as a round of Monopoly. If you didn't chuckle at that joke, it's because you've never finished a round of Monopoly.

Out of this comes the real tragedy of the WAR! Update. See, the Eyelander, the Chargin' Targe, and the Equalizer are gimmicks when equipped to a Demoman or Soldier, but they would have revolutionized the Heavy. Think about it. A Heavy that becomes faster as you damage him. I piddled a little just considering it. Or even scarier, getting bull-rushed by a Heavy that proceeds to lop your head off your shoulders!

How could this have been overlooked? Where is the Valve I know? Why must the Heavy be left to die on the streets of Dullwood?

I'll tell you why. Valve has lost touch with the original concept of Team Fortress 2.

Now try to stop crying, son, and listen up. This is where you and I come in. Who better than those whom have played the unchanged game for...ever...to remind them of what they have sacrificed in the name of cheap "fun?" Stayed tuned, reader, this is just the introduction to what comes next.

We will get attention. We will have ours. I will take you there.

Become a Follower!

Seriously, it would help me have an idea of how large my reader base is (which currently indicates that there are about 18 people reading this blog on a regular basis.)

As an extra incentive, my Followers will be the first to be notified of the coming project, which, if it has no success, I can't imagine what will.

Furthermore, I am restricting comments to those using Google Accounts (otherwise known as Gmail.) This is an effort to put a stop to the flow of advertising that is being snuck into the Comment Sections of certain articles. For the record, this article has the record of most vandalism. At the time of the publishing of this article, there were 48 comments, only one of which was in English and not advertising large televisions or promiscuous women.

I do not have time to clean all these sections out, but I am doing it for the sake of my own sanity. Good day, and become a Follower.

And Though My Hands Are Warm...

I am certainly not sitting on them. I am currently in the process of completing an enormous project that you ALL will be able to help with eventually.

Will You Pre-Order Left 4 Dead 2?

• Yes, I already have. 13 votes (36%)
• No, but I will buy it later. 13 votes (36%)
• No, the demo sucked. 6 votes (16% )
• Yes, the demo was awesome. 4 votes (11%)
  

In the meantime, enjoy Left 4 Dead 2 (a very fine game) and vote in the latest poll.

How Do You Think The Update Changed The Game?

With almost 200 people voting on five different options, you would think that some sort of discernible consensus could be reached. Unfortunately, the finale of the last poll I initiated put me in a two month spot of writer's block.

You see, since I view myself as a responsible, organized site manager (with, like Valve, punctuality being at the bottom of my list of admirable qualities), I couldn't bring myself to just ignore the poll. Therefore, I had to mention it in a post.

Poll Results

• The game is worse. 47 votes (25%)
  
• The game is the same. 43 votes (22%)
• The game is better. 42 votes (22%)
  
• The game is much better. 29 votes (15%)
• The game is much worse. 27 votes (14%)
  

My readers, you will not be entirely blamed, because I also cannot decide how I feel about what happened. When I thought long ago about simple changes to the game, more options did not seem like they could hurt anyone. But look what happened!

Obviously, the ability to turn off Critical Hits and Random Damage Spread is a harmless option that greatly assisted fair competitive play but Class Limits screws everyone over once in a while!

For a detailed description of how to cope with class rushes, you can view my most-widely quoted article, but if you have already read it, just remember to avoid Engineer Rushes like the Black Plague.

The rushes I mentioned above are relatively harmless compared to the restrictive (and disturbingly common) trend among some hosts of blocking access to just one or two classes. As the self-proclaimed generator of the last patch, I feel it is my duty to both apologize, and, more constructively, suggest a solution.

As you know if you are reading this, the current build of Team Fortress 2 on the Xbox 360 allows hosts to toggle Critical Hits and Random Damage Spread, as well as set individual class limits on all class limits with the options 0,1,2,3,4,5, and Unlimited.

I think that a different set of options would be more suitable and more fair. If I could have had my way, Valve would have released a patch with the option to toggle Critical Hits (Random Damage Spread is toggled alongside this instead of two different options) and the ability to set individual class limits with the selection of 1,2,3, Unlimited, and Rush.


Here, have a picture so you don't get bored.

The revised options I suggest create an optimum balance between fun and fair, while also considering confused beginner hosts who have no idea what Random Damage Spread is because it doesn't present itself in GIANT GREEN LETTERS.

Next up, readers, I have to announce a momentous discovery I made a while back that I must thank you all for (because I think you had something to do with it.) But first, you must activate Google.

Is Google loaded? Good. Now, search "team fortress 2 xbox" or just "tf2 xbox." Are the resulsts in? Scroll down, scroll down. There!

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, pat yourselves on the back for coming to this website a load of times. Fun fact: type "Neal Kenneth" and autocomplete says "Neal Kenneth tf2" before "Neal Kenneth w md." Translation: I am more popular than a doctor in Virginia.

That's all about Team Fortress 2 for today! If you want to read something cool, check out this incomplete work I have written in anticipation of Left 4 Dead 2!